G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

“Technically, this unit doesn’t exist. But if it did, it would be comprised of the best soldiers from across the world. And when all else fails, they don’t…”

Just in case anyone was considering going to see G. I. Joe, I thought I’d best produce a review- or at least what passes for a review when the film in question is so very bad you spent most of the movie wishing there was some paint you could watch dry instead.

Firstly, let me say that G.I. Joe is terrible on an epic scale. It’s really, really dire. It has Sienna Miller in it, for fuck’s sake.  It’s pro-American propaganda with so little subtlety that the creators of 300 would probably have rejected it as over-the-top. And then there’s the stereotypes. Seriously uptight American hero. Funny – if slightly useless – black guy. You can guess the rest.

There’s only one thing half decent about this film: it only stole 90 minutes of my life. Phew.

*This film is not to be mistaken for G.I. Jane, the totally awesome classic starring Demi Moore.